Friday, January 23, 2009

Dead or Alive

The protruding silence in my son's nursery leaves me with much time to muse about its origin. Has he actually fallen asleep after just 20 minutes of tears? Has he suffocated on his lovie? Rolled against the crib bumper and smothered himself? Will I walk in to find him strangled in his mobile? Yes, these are the persistent, morbid thoughts that cross my mind in the wee hours of the night.

Once Nate gives in to the Sandman, I find myself in a state of nihilism. I am constantly pacing back and forth in front of his door. I could swear I hear him crying or struggling even though he isn't making a peep at all.

This is what CIO does to a frazzled mother's mind. It breeds paranoid schizophrenia.

Despite my frequent surrender to cosleeping and lack of consistency throughout the night, I am noticing an improvement. We're on Day 5 of The Great Transformation and he has been down for 120 minutes. His best yet. And with less of the drama beforehand.

We're making progress. Slowly. Very slowly. But surely. I have low expectations so I am proud of any minute achievement.


Denise said...

Definitely sounds like progress. Keep up the good work. It is working!

Melissa said...

Yay for the progress! I bet you and DH are so excited about it.

I, too, have persistent morbid thoughts when my baby is sleeping alone in her crib. I worry about everything, especially if she's been quiet for a long time. I think every new mom shares those concerns. Totally normal!

Rachel said...

When he is a year old and dives for his crib at bedtime, you will be glad you stuck this out. It is worth it!

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

That's great! Stick with it and know that while your fretting and worrying I'm right there with you doing the exact same thing w/ Lemy. We will get there! :) ((HUGS))

Fertilized said...

progress is progres! GO Mommie! you are hanging in there