Friday, September 25, 2009

Pity Party of One

CD 33. I tested with a cheapie Aimstick. Got the most beautiful evap you've ever laid eyes on. Confirmed when Answer test came revealed a singular pink line. Enter string symphony.

I have no right to be upset. I have a beautiful boy playing at my feet to ease the pain. For that I am eternally grateful. But I feel stupid. Stupid. Stoopid.

After more than two years of this very same disappointment, I should have known better. Did I really think that giving birth would somehow hit the reset button on my reproductive system? Was I so naive to believe that a couple of pregnancy dreams would really set the stage for reality? And most importantly, did I honestly think that we'd be so lucky as to conceive on the first month of trying? Sure, it could happen and does happen to some. But I am not some. I am undeniably different. And odds are, I will never be the urban legend.

My cycles have always been irregular and will inevitably remain so. By not temping this month, I'm in complete disarray - not knowing if I've ovulated at all. I'm just waiting, perplexed. I hate lacking knowledge. Lacking control. I feel helpess. There's nothing I can do. I'm in limbo until my dear aunt decides to appease me.

I have to face facts and stop allowing hope to upstage reason. I've been here before. But how quickly we forget.


Roadblocks and Roller Coasters said...

((many hugs))

Barb said...

I'm sorry. :( That's pretty much one of the huge (and many) reasons I'm so reluctant to even try for a #2 through biological means. I do NOT want to deal with that shit again. I feel like we got DAMN lucky.

Denise said...

Awww, sucky. I'm sorry.

It seems impossible not to hope even after all you've been through. I had myself convinced that I was pregnant again simply because I still haven't gotten my PPAF. I was CONVINCED I was having pregnancy symptoms. And although it would be horrible timing for us emotionally, and financially, I couldn't help but hope and feel that hope crashing down when the pee stick was negative. I guess old habits die hard.

Here's hoping AF takes pity and just arrives now to get it over with so you can move forward.

Meghan said...

I hear you. Even though we aren't trying, I still hope every month. And every month I feel like more and more of an idiot...

good luck

Grad3 said...

Hang in there- I know it can be infuriating.

Hope was what brought you your sweet little man and what will surely bring your next little bundle :) ~Many hugs~

Katie said...


It sucks.

Right there with you.


At least we are not alone.

K77 said...

I'm sorry.

Fertilized said...

i am sorry

Mel said...

I am so sorry, K. I feel for you because I deal with thoughts circling the drain of my infertility dark hole every day. My baby isn't even barely 1/2 a year old and I cannot stop thinking about it.
You're in my heart today.