Friday, September 25, 2009

Pity Party of One

CD 33. I tested with a cheapie Aimstick. Got the most beautiful evap you've ever laid eyes on. Confirmed when Answer test came revealed a singular pink line. Enter string symphony.

I have no right to be upset. I have a beautiful boy playing at my feet to ease the pain. For that I am eternally grateful. But I feel stupid. Stupid. Stoopid.

After more than two years of this very same disappointment, I should have known better. Did I really think that giving birth would somehow hit the reset button on my reproductive system? Was I so naive to believe that a couple of pregnancy dreams would really set the stage for reality? And most importantly, did I honestly think that we'd be so lucky as to conceive on the first month of trying? Sure, it could happen and does happen to some. But I am not some. I am undeniably different. And odds are, I will never be the urban legend.

My cycles have always been irregular and will inevitably remain so. By not temping this month, I'm in complete disarray - not knowing if I've ovulated at all. I'm just waiting, perplexed. I hate lacking knowledge. Lacking control. I feel helpess. There's nothing I can do. I'm in limbo until my dear aunt decides to appease me.

I have to face facts and stop allowing hope to upstage reason. I've been here before. But how quickly we forget.

9 comments:

Roadblocks and Roller Coasters said...

((many hugs))

Barb said...

I'm sorry. :( That's pretty much one of the huge (and many) reasons I'm so reluctant to even try for a #2 through biological means. I do NOT want to deal with that shit again. I feel like we got DAMN lucky.

Denise said...

Awww, sucky. I'm sorry.

It seems impossible not to hope even after all you've been through. I had myself convinced that I was pregnant again simply because I still haven't gotten my PPAF. I was CONVINCED I was having pregnancy symptoms. And although it would be horrible timing for us emotionally, and financially, I couldn't help but hope and feel that hope crashing down when the pee stick was negative. I guess old habits die hard.

Here's hoping AF takes pity and just arrives now to get it over with so you can move forward.

Meghan said...

I hear you. Even though we aren't trying, I still hope every month. And every month I feel like more and more of an idiot...

good luck

Grad3 said...

Hang in there- I know it can be infuriating.

Hope was what brought you your sweet little man and what will surely bring your next little bundle :) ~Many hugs~

Katie said...

Yeah.

It sucks.

Right there with you.

Again.

At least we are not alone.

K77 said...

I'm sorry.

Fertilized said...

i am sorry

Mel said...

I am so sorry, K. I feel for you because I deal with thoughts circling the drain of my infertility dark hole every day. My baby isn't even barely 1/2 a year old and I cannot stop thinking about it.
You're in my heart today.
*hugs*