Sunday, May 16, 2010


12dpo. BFN.

I treated the pee stick like a pot that refused to boil should I stare. I would walk away, pace the hall anxiously and come back to analyze the results. After ten minutes of obsessive-compulsive behavior, I accepted the harsh reality that a line just wasn't going to magically appear where I hoped it would.

Disappointment initially hit me like a ton of bricks. My EDD would have been 1/25. Exactly the same as my dear "Snowflake" we lost three years ago. I had convinced myself we were destined for success this cycle. That it was meant to be so I could turn that day into a happy memory.

But I realized that, in a way, I am glad that "Snowflake" has that date all to herself. I wasn't able to give her life but at least I can give her that day. A proper commemoration of the short 11+ weeks we shared.

I didn't have time to shed a tear before Nate started beckoning me from his crib. I picked up his limp body and and rocked him gently in the glider as he fought to wake up. I swept his white blonde bangs from his tear-stained eyes and kissed his forehead. The light formed a comforting shadow in our little corner of the world. And just like that, I was at peace.

I'm still hopeful that we'll conceive a sibling someday. But I must remain thankful for the blessings that soften the blow.


Anonymous said...

I'm sorry. Hoping it is still too early though.

Katie said...

Oh, honey. I am so sorry THIS wasn't the cycle. I shall all of my thoughts and prayers focused on NEXT cycle.

Barb said...

They ARE a blessing aren't they? :)

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you and hoping you're ok.