One Instance Where I Love Being Wrong

I want to thank all of you for your well wishes, thoughts and/or prayers. It seems to have paid off.

I DO NOT have a uterine prolapse. All of my pelvic organs are intact. That sound you hear is me exhaling with relief. The nightmares of surgery, pessaries and hysterectomy that beleaguered me for approximately 28 hours can now subside.

However, I DO DID have a ton of scar tissue built up in my love cavern. No wonder Vadge was so perturbed.

The doctor first tried to cauterize the tissue. Yes, you heard right. That means he burned my girly bits with a device that resembled a large matchstick. Upon further examination - and perhaps the influence of a grown woman brought to tears - he decided that the cauterization probably wouldn't be a permanent fix. So, he gave me local anesthesia - yes, a needle in the hoohaa - and cut it out.

Can you tell it was a fun day?

The kicker was that my DH had to work, as did my mom, so I had to bring Nate solo. He wouldn't sit in his carseat without crying incessantly so I had to hold him on my chest while I lay spreadeagle on the exam table in purgatory, grimacing. I tried to hide my excruciating expressions from him but I've always been a pretty bad liar. Apprehension was written all over Nate's little face.

These are the days of my life, I lamented. Tuesday, I watched helplessly as my little guy got his first round of shots and now on Friday, the tables were turned and he got to watch Mommy suffer from the sidelines.

I feel like I've given birth all over again. I had to take two Tylenol 3's just to be able to sit on my a$$ without jumping out of my skin. I'm sore and bleeding a shade of mauve that would be somewhat pretty if I was ignorant to its origin. I'm back to spraying Dermoplast on myself in order to pee comfortably. The cauterized tissue even leaves behind an odd smell, not unlike that of lochia after delivery. It exhausts me just to recount this experience.

All this just to be able to have sex again. It had better be worth it. With the way I feel right now, I'd be perfectly content if no one touched me down there ever again.

I'm seriously considering a scheduled c-section if we happen to be blessed with another baby. I know it sounds like I have a flair for the dramatic and maybe I am underestimating the whole 'major abdominal surgery' aspect. But I am dead serious. I think the recovery period would be about the same, since it is now 11 weeks PP and I'm still dealing with issues down below. And it looks like I have at least another week before I heal from this most recent debacle. I'm sure I would have been able to DTD by now if I had a c-section. Life would probably be back to normal. Well, as close to normal as you can get with a newborn.

I never expected postpartum to be a breeze but this has really caught me off guard. They certainly didn't prepare me for this in my childbirth class. As a matter of fact, I think a partial refund is in order.

A Note To My Netheregions

Dear Ms. Vadge Ina:

First off, I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for your years of dedicated service. You have been a loyal laborer of my sexual will for almost 10 years. For 2.5 of those years, you endured countless pokes and prods from a hodgepodge of guests, some of whom were quite unsavory. Tools like the cheap plastic specula, who forced you to reveal your depth and left you wounded and abused. Or the ultrasound wand, who invaded your privacy like a date perusing your medicine cabinet. But let's not forget your comrade, Captain Willy and his merry seamen. While they were known to be quite demanding in their entry, they always made sure to show you a pleasant evening.

You have also exceeded my expectations with your performance in the delivery of my son. To ensure his safety, you put yourself in harms way -stretching and tearing to accomodate a passerby of much larger-than-usual proportions. I could never thank you enough for your fortitude and for withstanding the inevitable battle scars of such a complex task.

After years of dutiful compliance, it appears that you have suddenly become disgruntled. Fed up with a lack of accolades perhaps. You have been absent from mandatory meetings. Your passion for your job has been noticeably void. You seem melancholy and droopy, as though you've been wrung and laid out to dry. You've declined all visitors, including your companion K.Y. and your dear lover, Captain Willy - who is heartbroken I might add. He has tried to be gentle and tender and you still resisted his advances.

You just aren't yourself. We're curious and worried about you. We miss the old Vadge. The carefree, extroverted girl who took everything in stride. This introverted loner that you've become is not the Vadge we've come to know and love.

As I am unable and unwilling to find a substitute for your position, I urge you to seek the help you need in order to overcome this dark depression. If there is anything I can do, please feel free to respond.

Sincerely,

Kristen
___________________________________________________

Dear Ms. Ina:

Thank you for your timely reply to my earlier inquiry. You have brought to light several miscommunications that need further examining.

I was unaware of the dispute you had with the Hormone department. Unfortunately, that division is grandfathered in with the X chromosome and despite numerous grievances, we have been unable to successfully change their processes. I understand they can be quite cumbersome to deal with but my best advice is to ignore their antics and not let them infect you with their attitude.

I was also oblivious to your contention with the Breastis'. We have assigned them to a special project in the Breastfeeding unit which could account for their overstimulation during all hours of the day and night. I understand how this might affect your workmanship and will take special care to assist you as needed so that you may fulfill your tasks.

I appreciate your assurance that this variation in character is only temporary and that you will return to your regular schedule in time. We welcome your reprisal as the Vice President of Intimacy.

Cordially,

Kristen