And So It Grows

So, here I am on the cusp of 11 weeks and still *gulp* pregnant. It feels surreal to even say the word aloud. I'm almost afraid I will somehow jinx it and wake up sans baby. But the unrelenting nausea reminds me that there is indeed a little human growing somewhere in my pelvis.

On Friday, I got another little sneak peek into my uterus to see Dewdrop. To my delight, the heartbeat was still beating away. I was so amazed at how much he/she has grown in just three short weeks. He/She actually looks like a baby instead of a prehistoric sea creature. There is a distinct head, body, arms and legs. He/She kept putting his/her hands near his/her face, which reminded me of Nate in utero. And best of all, he/she flashed a little smile for the camera, as if to say "see, I'm fine in here Mommy!".



The doctor didn't measure the CRL, which was actually fine since I had been obsessing about being 3 days behind at the last scan. I am just choosing to trust her word that the baby has grown significantly and that all looks perfect. The yolk sac is being absorbed and the placenta should be taking over soon, which means I can stop the progesterone supplements in 8 days. Wow, what will I do without all that panty goo?

The first trimester always seems to be the most agonizingly slow one but when I consider that I'll hit the second trimester in just 15 days, it really seems like it has gone by speedily. I'm not actually rushing it away this time. Sure, I'd like not to have to sip ginger ale every time I wake up. But I want to soak in each and every moment. This time, I'd like to have no regrets.
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As for my firstborn, we had him evaluated for speech therapy over the course of the last month and a half. Last week, we learned that he has a 50% delay in expressive language and a 25% delay in receptive language (which is most likely the result of the expressive delay). He will begin therapy later this month. A teacher will come to the house weekly and do specific exercises with him, which I will repeat during the week and report the results. After 6 months, he will be reevaluated to see if he needs more intense therapy.

It's always disappointing to hear that your child has a developmental problem, but I was not surprised. I had been expecting to hear this so I was as prepared as I could be. It breaks my heart that he is unable to communicate effectively, as social as he is by nature. I just hope he gets the help he needs.

(Not So) Wordless Wednesday: Meet "Dewdrop"

Before my appointment Friday, I was so intensely nervous that I thought I might spew all over the waiting room. I had convinced myself that I was going to see an empty sac. But lo and behold, there actually is a little baby growing in my belly. And he or she has a beautiful heartbeat. I was so amazed at the sight of that flicker that it didn't even occur to me to ask for the rate. But it was going pretty fast so I don't think there is anything to worry about in that department.

"Dewdrop" measured 6w6d and by ovulation I should've been 7w2d. 3 days off is really no big deal, as dating is not an exact science, but because of my history (i.e. paranoia), my OB kindly booked another scan for October 1st. Just for peace of mind. I'm eager to get another glimpse of this little bean and pray that he or she hangs in there for the long haul.

I said I wouldn't get attached but how could you not? I'm totally in love already so I won't bother denying it.
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As far as symptoms go, I must say that this pregnancy has been surprisingly, vastly different from my first. I hardly felt "pregnant" at all with Nate. I had no morning sickness, my face was vibrant and looked better than ever, and aside from some serious bouts of constipation and my slowly burgeoning belly, he never really made his presence known until he was too big to be ignored.

This time around, I'm not exactly running to the toilet, but I have an increasingly present yucky feeling. The kind of feeling where you think you may need to eat something but you're afraid that if you do, you might regret it. I snack every hour or two but some meals just seem to sit in my stomach and leave me queasy. I also gag if I'm not careful brushing my teeth, which is new. My face looks like a minefield. I have pinchy, pully round ligament pains if I get up too fast, sneeze or roll over quickly. And I also get dizzy occasionally - I'm assuming from the increased blood flow. The great thing is, as a SAHM, I can nap during the day when Nate naps so most days, I do get an hour or two of rest that helps.

DH is convinced Dewdrop is a girl. I have a feeling it's a girl too but if it's anything like with Nate, I will probably flip flop back and forth up until the big reveal. So much for motherly instinct!

Sigh of Relief

Second beta (14dpo) : 163
Doubling Time: 36.19 hours

Music to my ears. Maybe now I can finally put the HPTs away.

Next up is the first ultrasound on 9/10. I'm just praying for a healthy heartbeat.

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday: Shock Factor

Hopeful EDD: 4/27/11

First Beta @ 12dpo = 65
Progesterone = 11.6 (starting 200mg Prometrium nightly)
Second Beta @ 14dpo = ? (we'll find out tomorrow)

In. Shock.

Laugh and Learn DVD Series - Review and Giveaway!

It's only been about a year but it feels like eons since I was pregnant, sporting a big 'ole belly and wondering what in the world to expect next. I had become an expert on infertility and trying to conceive but I had no clue about how to handle actually being successful. Everyone assured me my life was about to change and I wanted to do everything I could to prepare for the main event. I spent a fortune - buying up every book I could get my hands on in the Pregnancy/Parenting section at Borders to educate myself. From the time those two pink lines popped up on the pee stick, my mind was consumed with questions. Some so embarrassing that I was too intimidated to ask my own doctor, much less my family and friends. As my tummy protruded, I was given so much unwelcome advice and told so many horror stories that my fears overwhelmed me. I looked forward to our scheduled childbirth and breastfeeding classes so I could get the real scoop and make the right decisions for our soon-to-be family.

So, when I was contacted to review the Laugh and Learn DVD series, I happily obliged. I could wax nostalgic about all the first-time wonder, excitement and anticipation. And having now been there done that, I thought I could provide a true objective opinion on the content.

The Laugh and Learn series is hosted by Sheri Bayles, RN, an award-winning Lamaze Certified Childbirth Educator and International Board Certified Lactation Consultant. She draws upon her extensive career as a OB/GYN nurse, her education and her own personal experience as mom to twin boys to provide us with 4 videos that chronicle everything from labor to taking baby home.

A 2-DVD set, Laugh and Learn about Childbirth is an all-inclusive childbirth class divided into (6) 45-minute segments covering labor, delivery (both Cesarean and vaginal births are discussed in detail) and postpartum. There is also a special feature on cord blood banking.

I was very impressed with this class. It certainly lived up to its name, as I found myself chuckling at many points in the video. Sheri was very personable and created a pleasant, relaxed atmosphere. I felt as though I was sitting in her class, observing her as she spoke with other expectant couples. She included the fathers just as much as the mothers in the discussion, which was refreshing. There were no "crotch shots" or up-close-and-personal videos of live birth. Just conversational lecture, some visual aids and Q&A. It is apparent that Sheri is a natural childbirth advocate but was respectful and realistic in the fact that natural is not always possible. She also advised mothers to trust their body and motherly instincts and that it is okay to question medical staff, which I found interesting (in a good way) considering her profession.

I was particularly happy that Sheri did not gloss over the postpartum recovery for vaginal deliveries. The class I attended did not focus much on this and I found myself unprepared to handle the pain and complications that arose after my second degree tear. I was relieved to hear an honest explanation of what to expect physically after the baby arrives.

I wasn't expecting to learn anything new - having recently experienced this all firsthand - but surprisingly, there was information tailored to subsequent pregnancies and births. Not only would this DVD be useful to first-timers but it would also serve as a great refresher course for second or even third timers.

The only minor thing I wish I could change would be to cover more breathing techniques. I found those to be particular helpful during my personal labor experience, but I understand that the majority of couples focus on the most popular approach featured in the video.

The next DVD, Laugh and Learn about Breastfeeding, is a 45-minute class covering topics such as nursing positions, burping techniques, pumping, breastmilk storage guidelines, diet, apparel and challenges. Breastfeeding multiples is also discussed. Demonstrations of breastfeeding positions were given with baby dolls but live examples were also provided, which I found particularly helpful.

I found this DVD to be comprehensive and Sheri was just as witty as in the Childbirth class. I do think more attention could have been paid to the subject of pumping, perhaps with demonstrations of how to work both electric and manual pumps. The task of pumping can be daunting so a presentation would have been helpful for me.

The final DVD in the series, Laugh and Learn about Newborn Baby Care, is a 45-minute class covering bathing, dressing, diapering and swaddling. I personally found this session to be common sense. There wasn't much here that I didn't already know or couldn't figure out on my own. I believe this DVD would be best for those who have little to no experience with newborns. I would have liked to see some discussion regarding sleep issues and colic, but Happiest Baby on the Block remains my favored resource in that area. Formula feeding guidelines for those not breastfeeding would also be a good addition.

Overall, I was extremely pleased with the Laugh and Learn set and would highly recommend for any expectant mom or dad. I wish I had known about the series last year. Not only could I have saved myself over $50 - I spent $130 on our local hospital classes and the retail value of these DVDs are $79.95 - but I could have watched them at my convenience from the comfort of my own home. How perfect would this be for bedrest mamas? Or for the couples with hectic, incompatible schedules?

It's not hard to see why Laugh and Learn are the #1 DVD classes for pregnant couples in America, with their entertaining, easy-to-comprehend style.

BUY IT: Purchase the Laugh and Learn DVDs for $79.95 or watch the series online for $69.95. For a limited time, you can watch the Anatomy and Preliminary Signs of Labor segment online for free!

WIN IT: Laugh and Learn is offering one lucky reader the entire 4-DVD set! Interested? Read on!

TO ENTER THE GIVEAWAY:

1.) Visit Laugh and Learn and leave me a comment telling me which DVD you are most interested in and why. Feel free to share if this is for you or a loved one. This entry is mandatory and no other entries will be counted unless this one is fulfilled. If your email address is not visible on your profile, please leave it in your comment(s) so I can contact you if you win!

Bonus entries (max 1 entry for each):

2.) Follow my blog (see sidebar) and leave a comment telling me so. If you're already following me, this counts! Just leave a comment telling me you're a follower.

3.) Follow me on Twitter (see sidebar) and tweet this giveaway. Leave a comment with your Twitter name and/or tweet link.

4.) Blog about this giveaway and leave a comment with the post link.

5.) Expectant moms: what is your biggest fear about childbirth or breastfeeding? BTDT moms: was your labor and delivery experience better or worse than you thought it would be?

Giveaway will run from July 1 through July 15, 11:59pm EST. Open to U.S. addresses only. One winner will be chosen at random using random.org. Winner will be contacted via email and will have 48 hours to respond or prize will be forfeited. In case of forfeit, a second winner will be chosen.

Flutters and A Finale

There is only one word that can describe 2008.

Change.

Exhilarating change. (Okay, that was two words. So sue me.)

Not unlike the anticipation and apprehension as you wait for a rollercoaster ride to descend into its cyclonic whirlwind. The butterflies that playfully swirl around in your abdomen as you await what is to come. And then once you are released, it all happens so fast that can hardly catch your breath. In a flash, it's over and you have this stupified grin plastered across your face.

It was like that to the infinitieth power.

2008 began with a glimmer of hope. I had just handed in my ticket and boarded the p-word rollercoaster. I was excited yet fearful. Uncertain of what to expect - if anything at all. Would the ride stop before it had even started? Would I ultimately be disappointed and leave empty-handed as I had in the past? Or could it be the ride of a lifetime that I would never forget?

I had so much at stake emotionally. Having been burned twice before, it was hard to put my chips on the table. To let go and find the strength from within to believe. To not expect another setback. I knew there were no guarantees. The fear and anticipation escalated the further along I went. I just had that much more to lose. And I was that much more attached to those butterflies in the pit of my stomach.

But somewhere along the way, I did find sweet release from the pressure. I did shed layers of angst to find unadulterated happiness. I'm not sure at what point this happened because before I realized it, the joyride was over.

My son was born. And I'm still trying to process everything 5 months later. The day I gave birth was the greatest day of my life hands down. I can't wipe the smile from my face. Each day is a new learning experience. A new memory. Not that everything is always sunshine, wine and roses. Quite the contrary. But I must admit - even in the toughest times - I have the greatest reward I could ever dream of.

2009 is beginning with great promise. Although I'm unsure of what the future holds, I feel like we have much opportunity and much to look forward to.

Sadly, I know not everyone is starting the new year with the same outlook. There are people out there - possibly even some of my readers - who also bet big. But instead of hitting the jackpot, they may have lost their fortune. Some who are still waiting in line to board the rollercoaster, watching others repeatedly cut in front of them.

My greatest wish for 2009 is that you may depart the free-falling drop tower of IF and board the p-word rollercoaster without fear of loss.

I wish everyone could feel those butterflies free of consequence.

Baby, It's Cold Outside

The weather outside may be frightful but inside, I'm soaking in the sun. Yes, we're in the midst of an unmistakable sunny week.

I find myself wondering who swapped my willful prince with this even-tempered angel who only complains when weary or famished. "Nate Lite" has even adopted a pacifier - the object that he would, until recently, barely tolerate. No hesitation. A trip to the mall just weeks ago would have resulted in an embarassing tantrum and a swift exit. But thanks to our new silicone comrade, we were able to finish 98% of our Christmas shopping without so much as a peep from the stroller. Just observant eyes taking in the surrounding scenery.

He has been delivering more cheesy, toothless grins than ever. Even some giggles here and there that make me feel wealthier than Oprah. He's also discovered his voice and now babbles and squeals incessantly, despite the moon's plea for peace and quiet at 1am. We're talking notes only a Bee Gees brother could hit. But since the ruckus comes from such a rosy-cheeked cherub, there's no way I could shush him in my fit of laughter and glee.

I just hope this pleasantness prevails through the holidays.

Looking back on the past month, there has been evident advancement in his fine motor skills. At 3 months, Nate was merely batting at toys and still pretty much living in his own little world, oblivious to our fervent attempts to entertain him. Either that or he just plain ignored our idiocracy. But at 4 (almost 5!) months, he can now deliberately grab objects with an iron grip and bring them to his mouth where they will inevitably drown in the drool pool. With this greater coordination comes great responsibility. I seem to have grown an invisible antenna to identify anything remotely dangerous within his grasp. I have to contain wandering arms and legs so fingers don't reach onto my dinner plate and feet won't knock over fragile goods.

It's only a matter of time until more skills emerge. With its corresponding wonder week. So, I'm enjoying this congeniality while it lasts.
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In unrelated news, a coworker announced her pregnancy today. She is 38 and while I'm not sure how long she and her husband had been TTC, I do know she miscarried last summer. Due July 9, 2009.

I am truly delighted for her, despite the repugnant date.

But I'm also a wee bit jealous. And I have no clue as to why.

I'm nowhere close to feeling ready for another baby. I can't even fathom it right now. And though I've dodged those bullets that put the pressure on ("you want them close in age so they get along better", "you should do it soon since you're already accustomed to the baby phase" or my personal favorite, "you've got to try for a girl!"). I'm in absolutely NO hurry.

I mean, physically, with all of my lovely scar tissue courtesy of a second-degree tear, my vagina can barely perform the necessary function to make childbearing possible. Mentally, I'm plum tuckered out. Most days, I can hardly keep my eyes open much less stay organized at work and at home. We live in a 3-bedroom apartment, which is already bursting at the seams. I can barely meet the needs of one infant. How the hell would I manage two under two? So, you see, there are many factors as to why I'm not even considering TTC a sibling for Nate until he turns 1. Not even uttering a word about it until that point. And possibly even later if I still can't muster the courage to initiate that conversation.

But yet I reminisce about my pregnancy. And I miss it. Even the miscarriage worries, listeria concerns, crotch pain and tremendous weight gain aren't enough to wake me up to reality. The announcement tugged at my heartstrings and made me wish it were me going through that anticipation and excitement again.

I need to be committed.

The Two R's

My dear blogmate, R&R, just wrote the most fabulous post and inspired my cheap, unoriginal self to do a spin-off.

In a popular film that you may very well know, one villain asks another how she feels now that her arch nemesis is dead. Multiple choice. 2 R's. Relief? Or regret?

When I look back at my pregnancy and subsequent defeat of my enemy, IF, I feel a bit of both. Relief that I made it through alive. That I have this sweet, healthy baby as a reward for all of the misery I endured. Relief that I no longer have to dread holidays, baby showers or family gatherings. That I no longer have to ponder if I'll ever be a mother to a living child. Because I am. That worry dissipated that magical moment I heard his first cry.

But more so, I feel regret.

Throughout the agony of TTC, I wished I could be a superhero. A caped crusader who could fast forward time. I lived my life in two-week increments. Waiting to ovulate. Waiting to test. Waiting and hoping, waiting and hoping. Wash, rinse, repeat. It felt as if I was confined in this cyclical trap. When AF would arrive, I would plot my temperatures on my chart, pop pills and vitamins and tap my foot as CD14 drew near. Each RE appointment was one step closer. As I saw the greatly anticipated temperature shift, I would stare at the calendar, anxiously awaiting test day. Every BFN made me that much more desperate and impatient.

Only it didn't end there. With my BFP, I again wished the time away. If I could only see a heartbeat. If I could only hear the heartbeat on doppler. If I could only get to the second trimester. If I could only get to my Level II and find out the gender. If I could only feel flutters of movement. If I could only make it to viability. If I could only make it to the third trimester. If I could only make it to term.

Against all odds, we made it through each milestone. Relatively easily. Before I knew it, Nate was here.

I look back and regret selling time short. I know it was a self-preservation mechanism and that my mini-milestones were a way to mentally challenge myself to trust in hope. It was too hard to see myself reaching the holy grail so I had to start small. I had to have faith that we could climb those stairsteps until we reached the top. But in doing so, I made it impossible to live in the moment. I wished so hard for the future that I failed to rest and feel the contentment of the present.

I did find joy with each milestone I met. But it was never enough. I only relished in happiness enough to push myself to the next hurdle. I couldn't let myself get too excited. So, when I look back on my pregnancy, it's a blur. Splashes of happiness amongst a foundation of angst.

The unfairness of it all is that now I wish I could slow time down. Now that I am no longer sullen, weeping over the seemingly unattainable. Now that my marriage isn't close to collapsing in shambles. Now that I can truly smile and mean it. Just when I want to live in the here and now, time speeds up. I'd give anything to go back to feeling like each day was infinity.

Nate is going to be 12 weeks old tomorrow and I find that incredibly fascinating. I love that he is less of a blob and more of a little human these days. He can coo and babble. He can blow spit bubbles and smile. He can suck on his hand and drool like an English Bulldog. With each new day, he changes before my very eyes. I wish I could trick time. Stall it so I don't miss any detail, no matter how minute it may be.

I think this is part of the reason we are still co-sleeping. DH has been urging me to transition Nate to the crib for weeks but I can't bring myself to do it yet. I've been procrastinating. Hardcore. Co-sleeping has its obvious advantages but the main reason I haven't attempted to move him is the most selfish of all. It's my shallow attempt to resist change and stop time in his tracks.

I hold my pint-sized cutie close, his faint breath tickling my chest. I inhale deeply, allowing his lavender scent to encompass my nostrils. The moonlight flows through our bedroom window. I take one more loving glance before I close my eyes. I know I must but I feel like I never want to let go.

Figure 8

It looks like it's time to bid farewell to maternity wear and say hello to my old friend, size 8. We had been apart for quite some time - about 10 months - but we meet again. I can now manage to zip and button with minimal suck-inage. Sure, I'm sporting the ever-fashionable muffin top but I just gave birth less than 3 months ago so you can cut me some slack, right? I have about 8-10 more pounds to shed to reach my pre-pregnancy weight, according to my fickle digital scale. I'd actually already be down to said weight if my pregnancy hadn't amounted to this:

Uterus: 3 lbs.

Boobs: 1.5 lbs.

Blood: 3 lbs.

Water: 5 lbs.

Fetus: 7.11 lbs.

Placenta: 2 lbs.

Amniotic Fluid: 2 lbs.

Ben & Jerry's: 24 lbs.

Total weight gain: 48 lbs.

But I'm still in a celebratory mood considering my exercise schedule has been nonexistent but for two routines: carrying Nate and his cumbersome carseat up and down 3 flights of apartment stairs or suspending him above my head in a game of Airplane while simultaneously attempting to dodge spit-up bombs. Dieting is a no-no right now so I've made it this far from breastfeeding alone. Amazing. The hormones can actually work FOR me and not AGAINST me for once.

I admit there is sweet sorrow as I say goodbye to the Bella Bands and Secret Fit Belly. One more thing that distances myself from those pot belly days. Those days where I could feel my little man stirring and kicking inside of me. It was our little secret. Now, the secret is out and I have to share him with the world. While I love the life I now share with this little person and love showing him off like the proud momma I am, I do miss those intimate, romantic moments. It will be hard to pack away the skirt I wore to my baby shower. Or the jeans and striped polo tee I wore to the ultrasound that revealed we were on Team Blue. Or the bathing suit that transformed me into a beached whale. Okay, maybe not the bathing suit so much. But I will miss all of the sweet memories evoked by these articles of clothing.

While my bottom appears to be shrinking, my boobs are quite comfortable in their behemoth state. I've gone up a band size and almost two cup sizes since conception. I started out as a member of the itty-bitty titty committee so I'm pleased with my newfound plumpness. Advertisements for breast augmentation surgery no longer peak my curiosity. However, the milk melons are impossible to squeeze into my old, A-cup friendly tops without looking like I'm at home on the Bunny Ranch. I'm a mom now. I can't have the girls flaunting themselves seductively. Besides, the obvious road maps across the continent of my chest are not exactly attractive. So, sad as it may be, I need to harness them. I've found the tops that fit best are the stretch cotton camisoles with the shelf bra. Those are no-fuss for nursing - which is a requirement at the present time - and can be paired with a sweater or a business suit. It's funny how a baby makes you much more simplistic and decisive. If it fits and matches, it's a go. No more modeling in front of the mirror for an hour.

While we're on the subject of growth, at 11 weeks old, Nate has officially shifted from 0-3 to 3-6 month apparel and has been in size 2 diapers for about a week. His toes now frightfully stick over the edge of his cradle swing. I just can't get over how big he's getting. Sigh. Before I know it, he'll be rolling over and sitting up on his own.

Can someone please hit the pause button?