Saturday, September 20, 2008

A Note To My Netheregions

Dear Ms. Vadge Ina:

First off, I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for your years of dedicated service. You have been a loyal laborer of my sexual will for almost 10 years. For 2.5 of those years, you endured countless pokes and prods from a hodgepodge of guests, some of whom were quite unsavory. Tools like the cheap plastic specula, who forced you to reveal your depth and left you wounded and abused. Or the ultrasound wand, who invaded your privacy like a date perusing your medicine cabinet. But let's not forget your comrade, Captain Willy and his merry seamen. While they were known to be quite demanding in their entry, they always made sure to show you a pleasant evening.

You have also exceeded my expectations with your performance in the delivery of my son. To ensure his safety, you put yourself in harms way -stretching and tearing to accomodate a passerby of much larger-than-usual proportions. I could never thank you enough for your fortitude and for withstanding the inevitable battle scars of such a complex task.

After years of dutiful compliance, it appears that you have suddenly become disgruntled. Fed up with a lack of accolades perhaps. You have been absent from mandatory meetings. Your passion for your job has been noticeably void. You seem melancholy and droopy, as though you've been wrung and laid out to dry. You've declined all visitors, including your companion K.Y. and your dear lover, Captain Willy - who is heartbroken I might add. He has tried to be gentle and tender and you still resisted his advances.

You just aren't yourself. We're curious and worried about you. We miss the old Vadge. The carefree, extroverted girl who took everything in stride. This introverted loner that you've become is not the Vadge we've come to know and love.

As I am unable and unwilling to find a substitute for your position, I urge you to seek the help you need in order to overcome this dark depression. If there is anything I can do, please feel free to respond.

Sincerely,

Kristen
___________________________________________________

Dear Ms. Ina:

Thank you for your timely reply to my earlier inquiry. You have brought to light several miscommunications that need further examining.

I was unaware of the dispute you had with the Hormone department. Unfortunately, that division is grandfathered in with the X chromosome and despite numerous grievances, we have been unable to successfully change their processes. I understand they can be quite cumbersome to deal with but my best advice is to ignore their antics and not let them infect you with their attitude.

I was also oblivious to your contention with the Breastis'. We have assigned them to a special project in the Breastfeeding unit which could account for their overstimulation during all hours of the day and night. I understand how this might affect your workmanship and will take special care to assist you as needed so that you may fulfill your tasks.

I appreciate your assurance that this variation in character is only temporary and that you will return to your regular schedule in time. We welcome your reprisal as the Vice President of Intimacy.

Cordially,

Kristen

6 comments:

Fertilized said...

i spit water acrossed hte room reading this ... Oh can i Relate

Grad3 said...

Excellent...I wish you could have cc: that my way about 5 weeks ago:)

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

Hilarious. You have no idea how accurate this is for me right now...had the same exact thoughts this morning. Bleh. :P

And here's some irony...my word verification is "weeeh." If only...

Emily said...

perfect.

Geohde said...

Well said!

Very droll, my clever friend.

J

docgrumbles said...

good luck!