Thursday, July 9, 2009

17 Going on 16

Days, that is. Until a certain someone's first birthday.

With a little over two weeks to go, I've been engrossed in party planning. Engrossed meaning admittedly going overboard. My vision is coming together but not without its share of stress. As of this moment, we have 40+ invitees and I estimate that aside from a few declines, most will likely show. And our home is simply too small to accomodate that many guests in one place at one time. So, we are depending on Mother Nature to cooperate for an outdoor fiesta. (No silly tricks like a thunderstorm or tornado, ya hear me?!) I've been paranoid that we don't have enough outdoor seating for everyone, so I'm currently researching local farms to purchase some hay bales. To fit in with the whole cowboy theme and all.

Our wooded backyard is quite the hangout for mosquitos so we've been treating the lawn with every chemical known to man to keep them at bay. The last thing I want is for my guests to be attacked by bloodsucking insects and leave with favors of welts.

The biggest stressor is that DH and I just aren't seeing eye to eye about the fundamentals of this affair. I see a first birthday as a fairly big deal. He sees it as just another birthday - one that the kid won't even remember - and so, he thinks we should cheap out as much as we can. Granted, I'm no longer working and money is tight. But I still want to celebrate and do it up right. After all, he's our first son (and possibly only since I am well aware there are no guarantees) and he is only turning one once. It's been a battle of wills and lesson on compromise. After a dramatic "negotiation" regarding the cost of the cake, we are now in agreement and satisfied with our remaining budget. A quick visit to the crafts store and some grub from the grocery store and our corral will be complete.

All in all, I think we'll stay below $300, including invitations, food, decor and gifts. Astronomical, maybe. But it is an important day and I want to treat it as such. We can scale back for future years. But there's something about the first birthday.

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Today is the second anniversary of our second miscarriage. Two years since my little Snowflake was lost. It was fitting that today was pretty shitty in and of itself. Devastating news about a friend. A lingering headache. A disastrous dinner. I'm surprised I'm not in bed already, trying to forget the past 24 hours.

I remember my grief so profoundly. Of course, the knowledge that a real live baby is sleeping upstairs dulls the pain. But I still remember. And I still feel that gaping hole where a part of me is missing.

I've been going back and forth in my mind lately, pondering if I should give names to the babies I lost. Calling them Angel and Snowflake just seems so inconsequential as of late. Part of me feels like they deserve real names. And I should honor them like so. But on the other hand, I never knew their genders. I only have wild guesses linked to ancient instincts. Is it really suitable to name them under these circumstances?

I am still wavering. But no matter the final decision, these anniversaries are always tinged with heartache. I know my babies live in Heaven and serve a much higher purpose than I could imagine but what I wouldn't give to touch their tiny hands and kiss their tiny mouths. I miss them oh so much.

3 comments:

~Sandy~ said...

The cowboy theme sounds great! I know the stresses of planning a first birthday party...it only happens once and you want to make everything perfect! you will have to post pics. good luck!

i to had a miscarriage before my first child was born and probably would have lost my other pregnancies if i was not put on progesterone. it's so hard and there always seems to be a little piece missing. but like you said, i look at the babies that are here and it helps the pain for a bit.

Hilary (Maya Papaya) said...

My most heartfelt condolences on this sad anniversary. I understand how you feel. I try not to think about my own loss too much, but always looms there deep down.

I just thank God for my beautiful sweet Maya, and I try to bear in mind that if I had not lost that pregnancy 6 months earlier, then she would not be here. Kinda helps me deal, ya know?

Big hugs.

And PS- Look how gorgeous you are in those pictures! I don't think I'd ever seen a photo of you before. What a pretty mama :)

Mel said...

Some things men just do NOT understand. A first birthday IS a big deal. I am so excited to hear how it goes and to see photos.

I am so sorry for the sad memories you carry of your lost babies. I know there is never right words to say about that sort of thing, but I do imagine many lost babies sitting at God's feet, smiling and loving their parents and siblings from the safest place in existence.
*hugs*