Friday, July 3, 2009

Popping the Question

With Nate rapidly approaching O-N-E (or perhaps love is in the air as we're in peak wedding season?) it seems as if everyone is proposing to me.

"So, when are you going to give Nate a brother or a sister?"

"Are you working on #2 yet?"

"Aren't you ready for another one?"

"You want them close in age, right? You'd better get started/get to practicing!"

"Now that you already have a baby, you can relax and it will happen when you least expect it."

That last one is my personal favorite. What a zinger. It implies that because I was able to carry a baby to term as a result of fertility treatment, I surely overreacted about my condition. If I had just relaxed...silly me. I could have saved myself thousands of dollars if I would have just taken this gem of assvice.

Not only have the suitors above infringed upon my privacy by delving into the topic that is (or rather is not) my sex life, but they've likely never experienced infertility or loss. Or else they'd know what a weighty, complex decision this is. It's not as simple as planning my children X years apart. Because we all know what a joke that is. I mean, my ovaries run amok, popping eggs at their random discretion. And my uterus acts like a choosy bouncer at a private, elite nightclub.

The likelihood that giving birth has somehow hit the reset button on my reproductive system is pretty low. Sure, I secretly hope that I've been miraculously healed but I'm trying to shuck the naivety and live in the land of cynicism. All in the name of self-preservation.

Despite all of the above, I have to admit I've been feeling the pressure to say yes. In the blogworld and in real life, BFPs abound. Most of them welcome surprises - sans third party intervention. And I find myself strangely battling jealousy. I feel selfish for wishing the same for myself. And greedy for craving another so soon when I've already been blessed with one amazing boy. I fear people may look at me and think, "why can't you just be happy with what you have?" They would have a point.

The only answer I have to that is: our family doesn't yet feel complete. I've always seen myself with two or three kids but after all we went through to get here, I wasn't initially sure I wanted to get back on the wagon. I was entitled to change my mind. But seeing how Nate adores other children - how our frequent playdates really bring out the best in him - I am positive about trying for a sibling. He prefers social situations to being alone so I don't feel as though having another baby would detract from him at all. And with me wearing the SAHM badge these days, I feel like there's no better time than the present. Well, we're actually considering October or November around the holidays but we're not preventing so anything could happen. Right?

I know it's foolishly optimistic of me to think I could be one of the urban legends that has an oopsie second. Especially when PPAF has yet to make her grand appearance. But yet this morning I found myself peeing on a stick. Just in case the headaches, fatigue and nausea I've had the past two days were more than just overnight interruptions and one too many cookies. Oh, and lest I forget the gas bubbles disguised as phantom kicks. I fell right back into old habits. Dumb. Dumb. DUMB. The blaring NOT PREGNANT was the wake-up call I needed. At least the expiration date on the stick was this month so I have an excuse. A poor one. But I couldn't stand to let it go to waste.

So, on one hand, I'm gung ho to pull out the BBT. But then I hesitate. I know what I could be up against. Realistically, the journey could be just as long as it was for Nate. Possibly longer. I could lose more babies. Nate doesn't sleep through the night - do I really want to perpetuate the sleeplessness? Especially when I'm home alone all day and sometimes at night as DH works two jobs? What if my recovery is just as hard or even harder? Could I honestly, truly love another baby like I love Nate?

It's hard to imagine I could be so lucky. I feel like I'm on the game show, Press Your Luck. I could win it all or a Whammy could pop up, taunt me and take it all away. But I guess I won't know unless I try.


Fertilized said...

I am wishing you all the luck/success in the world to bring a sibling to Nate. You do what id best for your family and complete it

Melissa said...

I know exactly where you're coming from. My daughter wasn't even a month old before I started getting questioned about TTC #2.

I would love to have another baby, but I also fear the infertility battles. I just don't know if I can handle many months of BFN's, fertility treatment, possible losses, etc. I have a beautiful and healthy little girl (knock on wood) and I hesitate to press my luck by trying for another.

I really do hope that your journey is much easier the second time around. But you'll know when the time is right to TTC again; do your best to avoid the nosy questions from well-meaning family and friends.

adellmcc said...

Totally. Claire is only 9 months old next week and I'm already starting to get twitchy.

I visited our RE's website last week and it was just too much for me. I was getting anxious and stressed just LOOKING at the internet.

I'd like to think that the next time around I'll go into it with eyes wide open and know what I'm getting into from start to finish. After all, I've eliminated the biggest worry I ever had: that my body wouldn't ever get pregnant and carry to term a healthy baby.

I worry that once I've decided I want another baby that it will be hard to give that dream up if we get to a point where it's looking dim.

It's all shit, it's not fair and it sucks.

*Here's to no whammies!*

Grad3 said...

I know the feeling.

It sucks to be in the world of in between. Not quite ready but you can see the edge of the cliff just before you.

I found the - hpt's helped confirm that I was ready for another because I was always a little disappointed. While the + ones brought all the old familiar feelings.

The great thing about already having a baby (among the many others) is that there is no better distraction, no one better to hold if you are feeling the particular sadness we all know so well.

~Cheers to a short second journey~

Hilary (Maya Papaya) said...

You are a braver and more ambitious woman than I. Every time I get asked about #2 (and it does happen a lot) I just feel more and more confident that one is enough for us. Never say never, but for now, I am totally content. -- now that I've said that watch me go and get preggers again by accident -- hahahaha

Wishing you all the best and much success! So exciting to start thinking about a second!