Wednesday, October 15, 2008

In Remembrance

In honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

The two larger candles are for my babies who sleep in the arms of Jesus: Angel (born at 5 weeks gestation on August 27, 2005) and Snowflake (born at 11.5 weeks gestation on July 9, 2007). They watch over and protect the third candle which represents my Sunshine. My gift from above. My "third time's a Prince Charming". My Nate.

I lit the candles and brought Nate over to pay his respects. His eyes were fixated on the flames as they flickered to and fro. The shadows danced on the wall, as if his brother and sister were enticing him to join. He was captivated for one minute. One minute that felt like an eternity, as I observed my past and my present collide. I know it's most likely wishful thinking but I choose to believe he was spiritually connected to his siblings for that brief period.

When people look at me, they see I have a living child. A beautiful boy. They see I'm fairly young. They may even wonder if he was an "accident", unexpected. Or if he came easily to us. They do not see the emotional scars I carry along with the baby on my hip. They cannot see the wounds from my IF crusade. I guess I keep them hidden quite well.

They do not see the other children I held in my womb. The children who were born too soon. Their memories live on through bittersweet anniversaries that only I recall.

Tonight, I remember the babies we can't hold in our arms. But we forever hold them in our hearts.