Memories in the Making

DH had to work on-site yesterday, which meant a late night return home. Instead of fixing dinner or performing any obligatory - albeit mundane - tasks, I decided to take advantage of the solo time with Nate and do what we do best: goof off.

I was crawling around on my hands and knees, snarling like a beast and chasing him frantically as he giggled and sped away. I snuck up behind him to grab his chubby little leg and he turned around to smile the most angelic smile I've ever witnessed. My heart melted like wax. His expression was effervescent, making my ovaries ache. It was then I had a "moment".

Pray tell, you say?

I'm sure any mom short of the likes of Andrea Yates can relate to this "moment". This epiphany. My entire soul - my whole being - felt such immense joy and enchantment that I wept. Tears streamed down my face as I thought about how incredibly blessed and lucky I was to have my miracle. I am no more deserving of motherhood than any other woman on the planet. As a matter of fact, I can think of many women off the top of my head who have been waiting in line much longer than I ever did to get the parenthood membership card. Yet somehow I get to share my days and nights with this little boy who brings so much sunshine into my life.

I felt guilty for all the times I may have lost my patience or been short with him for something as simple as wanting to be held as I used the bathroom. For all the times I was less than perfect, having struggled to meet his intrinsic needs. For any time that I may have inadvertently taken him for granted. This sense of awe enveloped me as I drew him near.

I held him extra close as I rocked him to sleep and recalled nights in the not-so-distant past when I curled up in a ball, wondering if I would ever feel a child suckle from my breast or grasp my finger in his/her tiny hand. I kissed him on the forehead before I placed him in his crib and as I watched him drift off to sleep, I studied his face intently. Every day he changes. Every day he is another day older. He'll never be this young or this innocent again. I never want to forget the way he looked at me this night.

I realized all we have are these moments. They become memories so quickly.

So this must be unconditional love.