Rest In Peace

I'd always heard it happens in threes. But I didn't want to believe it. Not after this post. So, I dismissed the myth as foolish.

Turns out I was the foolish one.

I woke up on Thursday morning, a bit groggy from the lack of sleep the previous night. I nursed Nate, changed his massive wet diaper and turned on the morning cartoons while I logged onto FF. It was an ordinary day. That was until I saw the tragic news.

One of my fellow August DD mommies - my friend, Kelli - had lost her precious baby girl, Maggie.*

Infant death is always deplorable. But this particularly hit too close to home. I was in shock and denial. This was a friend. Someone I knew. We had never "met" but we had gone through our pregnancies together. We shared our special moments and milestones over the past year and a half, from our BFPs and gender announcements to labor/delivery stories and baby pictures. We shared our innermost fears and joys. We were connected. United.

I feel as if I've lost a family member. A niece perhaps. Grief has consumed me for days, ever since I found out. I can't go a few minutes without thinking of Kelli and her family. What they must be feeling, doing or saying at that very same moment. How one moment she was putting her girl to bed and the next, she was burying her. Is she reliving the nightmare over and over again inside her head? How would she explain the loss to Maggie's 5-year old sister, Piper? How do you tell a kindergartner that she will no longer kiss her baby sister goodnight?

She posted photos of Maggie's last days. Smiling unknowingly. I just lost it. How could this happen? Why? A mother should never lose her child. Never.

No matter how many prayers for strength and peace I sent their way, I couldn't feel at ease. I had wicked insomnia and couldn't sleep. I would just lie awake in bed at night, heartbroken. Crying tears of sadness. I was so restless with survivor's guilt. I got to hold and kiss my baby today. I can push this aside, pretend it is all a bad dream while I run errands or do chores. I've been touched by this - significantly - but I can move on. This is her reality. Her family is forever changed. No escaping the catastrophe.

My "new mommy" paranoia has escalated to Code Red. I've been on high alert for anything that might lurk in the shadows, threatening Nate's life. I've been reconsidering my decisions on that quilted bumper in his crib and that fleece blanket I give him to cuddle as he sleeps. I'm extra careful about feeding him table foods so he doesn't choke and watching him as he cruises so he doesn't fall and injure himself. I hold him closer and tighter, even if against his will. I feel like it is my duty to live this day as if I won't be given a next.

Maggie was just a week younger than Nate. She would have been 9 months old today. My mind, there it goes...wandering again.

I've been quiet lately. Truth is, I haven't felt much like writing. All of my drivel about sleeping or food or whatever seem so grossly unimportant compared to my friend's suffering. I can't imagine how she feels. And I hope I never have to know firsthand.

Another angel too beautiful for earth. Gone too soon. Maggie Amelia Rose. Sweet dreams, little one. You will never be forgotten.

*(I won't go into the minor details I am aware of about her passing. It's just too delicate a subject. And to be frank, it doesn't matter. So please don't ask out of respect to her family.)